I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
