party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
