she told me i tasted like america
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
