just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
