Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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