Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
