Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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