My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
