its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize