the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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