can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
