I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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