Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
