He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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