I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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