Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Randomize
