lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
