You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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