i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
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