I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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