He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
