Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
