he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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