I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
