Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
