make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Randomize
