Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
