What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I'm passing your future prison.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
