did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
