I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
