Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize
