So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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