New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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