yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I can't put those talents on a resume
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
