I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize