can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
