I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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