we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
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