Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
