Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
