my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
