Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
