Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
