Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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