her facebook's as public as her vagina
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Terrible idea I love it
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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