My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I am available for nakedness
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
