amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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