The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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