I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
