I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
