During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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