I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
