Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
