Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
