I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
