Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
