Who wears a wallet chain?!
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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