I'm pants shitting drunk right now
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Are we still banned from the library?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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