hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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