im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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