so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
