fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize