he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
