Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Apparently you make a good broom.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize