This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
