I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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