The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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