It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
